After the Fall Read online

  Duncan opened his mouth to ask the question again, but Buck stopped him.

  “All in good time, son. Just enjoy your coffee.”

  Something in Buck’s voice told Duncan eventually he would have his answer. He supposed he could wait a little longer, as frustrating as it was. He did as he was told, taking a swig of his coffee before remembering that he hated the stuff. For some reason it was not as bitter as he remembered. He grudgingly took another sip, watching Taylor out of the corner of his eye, trying to wrap his head around whatever it was he was sensing from her.

  It was not long before they were joined by the rest of Duncan’s work detail, who greeted them warmly but whose eyes were full of the obvious question, which Buck quickly put to rest.

  “Taylor here’s going to be joining you boys today. She’s on your detail until further notice.” Although Buck’s tone was pleasant, there was an undercurrent that brooked no argument. Even though the demands of this new world had a way of shredding antiquated notions about the sexes, and Buck had made a point of treating everyone equally on the farm, sometimes old notions died a hard death. Still, as Duncan surveyed his crew, he was pleased to see no open hostility toward Taylor. Not that Duncan would have expected any real objection to having a woman on board this crew, anyway. Bottom line with these guys, as Duncan had well learned, was if you pulled your weight, then you were all right, and Duncan had no question as to whether Taylor would pull her weight.

  “Well, let’s get going, then,” Tony said. They quickly loaded up the tools into the pickup and headed off.

  They had managed to finish hoisting the crossbeams on Friday, and another detail would spend the next week circling back around and checking the stability of the beams and shoring up any weak sections. Duncan’s team was tasked with beginning the second phase of the project, which was to set the heavy sheet metal panels along the outside of the posts and crossbeams. But first, they would have to ready the ground for the panels, and that meant more digging.

  They would dig a deep but narrow trench into the earth, just enough room for the metal sheets and a thick bed of cement to seal them into the ground. The other detail, the one checking the crossbeams that week, would follow along about a week behind, laying the cement while a third crew would sink the sheets and attach them to the existing support structure. They would likely be fighting the snow, but with three details working full time, they all believed they could get the job done before winter fully set in.

  They knew the wall would not be enough to keep out someone determined to get in, and phase three would involve putting a six-foot trench around the entire property. Not a moat, exactly, but certainly a hole deep enough to swallow a man. There was talk of a fourth phase that would involve building guard towers, but Duncan had always thought that was a little extreme. He was not sure anymore.

  The day was cool, but their work had them all stripped down to shirtsleeves within minutes. They worked in teams of two, digging a trench four feet down and only as wide as a man. It was tough, backbreaking work, but to Duncan it felt good. He liked the pain of his muscles straining, the sweat as it rolled down his face and arms, the calluses on his palms.

  The soil was fairly dry, which made for easier digging, but it also meant the wind blew it around at will. The deeper they dug the lower they sank, until they were nearly chest deep in the earth. This put them face level with the wind-driven dirt. The fine grains stung Duncan’s face, and he had to keep turning his head away every time he dropped another shovelful onto the ground.

  Taylor, for her part, seemed immune to the sandstorm they were creating. She kept her shoulders squared, facing down the grating dirt head on, refusing to let it slow her down. Duncan admired her unflinching determination even as he worried about what was behind it. Taylor had been a machine all morning, digging out one shovelful of dirt after another without a moment’s pause. She was setting a brisk pace, and Duncan struggled to keep up. Not that this was a race, but Duncan was not used to anyone working harder than him, and he liked the challenge of trying to maintain the pace she was setting. Still, he had begun to worry that if Taylor did not take a break soon, she was going to be forced to by virtue of passing out.

  He leaned his shovel up against the wall of their trench and grabbed his canteen of water. “Drink?”

  He half expected Taylor to ignore him, or at least turn him down, but she did not. She took the canteen from him with a nod of thanks and took a good, long swig, so long that she was out of breath when she finished. Duncan wondered if she had even realized she was thirsty, or if she had simply been ignoring her thirst and would have kept on ignoring it without his intervention.

  “Thanks,” she said, handing him back the canteen. She leaned on her shovel and surveyed their work. It was a nonchalant move, but Duncan could tell it was anything but. She looked as if she was about to fall over if not for the support of the shovel. “I think we’re about done here.”

  Duncan looked around and realized they had reached their depth. “Looks like.”

  “Well then, let’s start on the next one.”

  Duncan started to object, wanted to tell her they should take a short break, get their strength up, but Taylor was already pulling herself out of the hole. They had decided to take the trench in sections rather than try and continue on from within the trench. Digging was much easier from above than below. Once they had two sections completed, they could attack the foot of earth between to connect them. Before he could lift himself back up to ground level, Taylor had sunk her shovel into the ground above and behind him for round two.

  Dinnertime, when it came, was a much welcome relief to Duncan. He could not remember having been hungrier than he found himself that night, or more tired. They had dug enough of the trench to lay sixteen sections of the wall, far more than any of them had anticipated, thanks mostly to Taylor. Duncan had not been the only one who wanted to keep up with her. By noon, the rest of the crew had doubled their pace, leaving them all exhausted. Duncan was proud of how much they had accomplished, and by the smiles on everyone’s tired and grimy faces, he thought the others were, too.

  Duncan quickly found Kate in the dining hall and settled in beside her. He barely had the energy to mumble a brief hello, let alone lift his fork to his mouth, but somehow he managed.

  “Long day?” Kate asked with a chuckle. Duncan grunted his response. They lapsed into companionable silence, letting the muffled conversations going on around them fill up the empty spaces. Despite his exhaustion, it did not take long for Duncan to finish his dinner and settle back to relax.

  “We made good progress today,” Duncan said after a while. The food and the opportunity to rest a bit had restored some of his energy, enough to make him feel like talking. “At this rate we might be able to double back and help lay the wall.”

  “That’s great,” Kate said, giving Duncan’s shoulder a light squeeze.

  “Taylor went out with us today.”

  The words hung in the air as Duncan watched Kate from the corner of his eye, waiting to see what effect the statement might have. Kate’s expression did not change, but she started shuffling the food on her plate around with her fork.

  “I know,” she said quietly. “Buck told me.”

  “She worked really hard,” Duncan said quickly, not quite knowing why but feeling like he needed to defend Taylor somehow.

  “That’s good,” Kate said absently. She was making mountains with her mashed potatoes. It reminded Duncan of when he was a child, playing with his food in some lame attempt at avoidance. Usually the thing he was trying to avoid was being in trouble for some stupid thing he had done, but he did not think that was behind Kate’s homage to Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

  “She seems…better.”

  The word sounded wrong even to Duncan’s own ears, and it did not go unnoticed by Kate. She looked up at him questioningly.

  “Well, sort of better. I mean, she did ask to work the detail instead of going off by hers
elf again. At least she was with people.”

  Kate nodded slightly, but she seemed unconvinced. Truth was, so was Duncan.

  “She worked hard. Real hard.”

  Kate was no fool. She could read between the lines.

  “Too hard?” she asked.

  “I dunno. Maybe.” Duncan felt guilty, like he was betraying Taylor somehow. But he was also her friend, and he decided his concern was far more important than loyalty. “She just kept pushing. Never stopped to take a break unless I forced her to. It was like…”

  Duncan shook his head, not quite sure of what he was trying to say and also not wanting to infer something that was not there.

  “Like what?” Kate finally pushed. Duncan looked at Kate long and hard, wishing he had some kind of telepathic ability and could just project his memories of the day into Kate’s mind, so she could see for herself and make her own judgments. But absent such ability, he had to just do his best to explain what was troubling him.

  “It was like she was possessed. Or obsessed or something. I swear she would have worked ’til she dropped if we’d have let her, and I’m not sure she would have even noticed.”

  Kate nodded. Duncan’s assessment was clearly as troubling to Kate as it was to him. He looked around the barn and realized Taylor had not come to supper. It should not have surprised him, he supposed. He could not expect that suddenly everything would be fine and she would rejoin the human race, or their little part of it anyway, all at once, regardless of how much he might want her to do just that. And besides, everything was not fine. If it was, he and Kate would not even be having this conversation.

  All Duncan knew was Taylor simply could not continue to push the way she had today, especially if she was not taking care of herself.

  “You could drop a tray by her room later.” Once again, Kate was reading Duncan’s thoughts. Duncan, however, was more interested in why Kate had not offered to do it herself.

  “Or you could?” Duncan suggested hopefully. He hated that Kate and Taylor were avoiding each other when clearly that was not what either of them wanted, or needed. Or at least it was not what Kate wanted. Duncan was not stupid. He could see it on her face, the sorrow that crept into her eyes every time Taylor’s name came up.

  Kate shook her head at Duncan, which only frustrated him. He could not understand why, if Kate had such feelings for Taylor, which she clearly did, she did not just go and bang down Taylor’s door and force Taylor to face her. That was what they did in the movies. That is what Duncan would do if he were Kate.

  That’s a load of bull and you know it.

  And he did know it, because he had no real experience with such things and had no idea what he would do if it were him. Maybe Kate was right not to rush Taylor. She was like a spooked mare. If rushed, she might be scared off for good. Then again, if they did nothing, they might lose her just the same.

  “You haven’t seen her in a week,” Duncan said, his need to do something overriding everything else. “Maybe you should take her some dinner. Try to talk to her?”

  Kate looked away, but not before Duncan saw the tears forming. It hurt him to see her like this. So sad, so lost. She was normally radiant, like the North Star guiding the way even through the blackest night. But now her light was muted, unable to penetrate a cloud-laden sky. Duncan did not know what to say next, and he simply put a hand on Kate’s shoulder, trying to offer some form of comfort. She looked back at him then, forcing a smile and wiping the moisture from her eyes.

  “She’ll talk to me when she’s ready.”

  Duncan nodded, not wanting to upset Kate any further. He tamped down the guilt that began to stir within him. He did not know why Taylor had chosen to open up to him and not Kate, but he would never betray her confidence by telling Kate what he knew. He felt burdened by his knowledge and Kate’s lack of it, like he had betrayed Kate somehow by being the one that Taylor had talked to. It was not his fault, he knew, that Taylor had chosen him, and he therefore knew logically that he had nothing to feel ashamed of, yet that truth did nothing to assuage his guilt.

  “Just keep an eye on her? Will you do that for me?”

  To Duncan, it was a sacred task. It was something he could do for Kate, and for Taylor, when he felt like he could not do much else.

  He did not really understand why it was important to him that Taylor and Kate find their way to each other. Just a few weeks ago, days really, he might have been threatened by it, that thing that hung in the air between them, like the entire universe was holding its breath in anticipation. Duncan might have been jealous over the kiss he had witnessed in the barn that night, the way Taylor and Kate had been lost in each other, as if within each other’s arms they had found everything they had ever wanted. But Duncan was neither threatened nor jealous, and felt only the intense desire to ensure they made it, whatever it took. For if the hope he held for Kate and Taylor, that in this terrible world of loss and grief these two people could build something beautiful together, if that hope could be realized, then maybe there was hope for them all. Maybe, someday, Duncan too would find love, build a life with someone, maybe even have a family. And maybe, just maybe, a better tomorrow lay ahead for everyone.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  The weeks fly by faster than any I can remember. The days grow shorter, beginning their descent into winter. They have been for a while, though the change was imperceptible at first. But now the October sun seems lazier somehow, like a teenager hitting the snooze button for longer and longer intervals now that the novelty of the first days of school has worn off. Old Man Winter looms large on the horizon, and the sun seems to recognize the inevitability of it all. Not that it makes the workday any shorter. The only acknowledgment any of us make to the shrinking of the day is to start loading kerosene lanterns into the truck along with our shovels and picks. Once again, I marvel at Buck’s resourcefulness. He has managed to stockpile a little bit of everything, including kerosene. It won’t last forever, but it’s good enough for now.

  We have made tremendous progress in our digging, at least according to Dunk. I don’t talk to him much at first, just wanting to focus on the work, but he chats me up anyway, either ignoring my lack of response or simply not caring. The kid is completely mule headed. And yet it isn’t all that long before I am chatting back to him, at least as far as the occasional grunt or clipped sentence can be considered a form of speech. That doesn’t last long, either, and pretty soon we are talking, really talking, mostly about stupid things like whether Joan Baez’s version of “Blowin’ In the Wind” is better than Dylan’s, and who would take an imaginary World Series between my beloved Cubbies and the White Sox. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around Dunk being a White Sox fan. Even the dastardly Cardinals would be better.

  I don’t know whether it is exhaustion or something else, but with each passing day, each turn of the shovel, I burn off a little more of my anger. My guilt and the fire it had sparked within me are not gone but have lessened some, fading into white noise that drowns out what is driving me. I sink into the work, into just trying to contribute toward building something better. I don’t let myself think about who I am trying to build that something better for, or whether that includes myself. I’m not ready to think about such things.

  By the fifth day, I am taking my lunches with the rest of the crew instead of going off on my own. I don’t say much, but they seem to respect that and let me be. I think Dunk wishes I would join in their camaraderie, but I’m not ready for that yet, either. While my guilt may have eased in its intensity, it is still there, smoldering beneath the ashes, along with the self-inflicted punishment that comes with it. Talking to Dunk is one thing, but letting myself be human is something entirely different.

  Of course, at the end of the workday I leave the Taylor I am on the crew behind and revert to the Taylor who is fully apart. I do not take my meals in the barn, cannot let myself join the others for fear that if I do, I will come undone. If I take just one step into
that room, see Dunk waving me over or Buck sitting there grinning or Kate looking at me with those eyes of hers, my self-imposed exile will crumble to dust. They don’t need my company, and I don’t deserve theirs. Each night, meals magically appear on a tray outside my room, and I imagine the disappointment on Dunk’s face as he lays the tray outside my door. Still, he doesn’t speak of it, for which I am grateful.

  We go on that way for a while, and I lull myself into thinking I can go on that way forever, that everyone will accept this is the way things are and need to be. Sometimes, thoughts of Kate drift into my mind. Holding her hand. The sweet sound of her laughter. Arguing with her even when I feel like agreeing. The sunlight glinting off her hair in the afternoon sun. Kissing her in the barn. I let myself relive each memory, allow them to consume my senses, until I can feel nothing besides the softness of her skin, hear nothing but the richness of her voice. Then I push them away, rejecting them as I have her.

  I take to having my daily shower in the evening instead of the morning, trying to wipe off the grime of the day’s work, figuring there isn’t much point in bathing in the morning only to be fouled with dirt and sweat within an hour. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that my new shower time is smack dab in the middle of dinner, which conveniently allows me to wash and be safely back behind the door to my room until lights out, enabling me to avoid our little community in the process.

  That is the theory, anyway. As with most theories, it’s only right until it’s debunked.

  One night, upon returning to my room, I bump into Kate. It is actually more of a slamming into than a bump, as I am working my towel through my damp hair and thus don’t see her standing in front of my door. I’m not used to having to watch out for obstacles in the hallway, especially not of the human variety.

  The collision sends her stumbling backward, straight into the tray of food she has just finished leaving in front of my door. I stare at her, wide eyed, my brain caught somewhere between absorbing the shock of seeing her for the first time in weeks and apology for practically mowing her down. I see the remnants of my dinner, green peas still wobbling back and forth on the floor.